Beyond the Surface: Understanding Bullying

By Caitlin Houston

Imagine this scenario: your near-sighted second grade daughter needs glasses. She excitedly chooses a pair of blue frames because everyone loves the color blue. As she skips off to school, you feel a sense of joy and pride in her enthusiasm for her newest accessory. At the end of the day, she arrives home not wearing her glasses, claiming she accidentally left them at school. By the end of the week, the glasses are still missing, and your bright, spirited daughter is sullen and gray. What’s happened to your child? Where are her glasses? After a long chat, you learn a classmate nicknamed her Four Eyes, stole her glasses and encouraged others to taunt her for not being able to see the board.

One may think the definition of bullying is simple: a child is intentionally mean to another child. However, bullying is a bit more complex. Dan Olweus, the “founding father” of research on bully/victims in schools, created a widely accepted definition of bullying. Olweus delineates bullying as involving three criteria: repetitiveness, intentional harm-doing and a power imbalance favoring the perpetrator.

Negative interactions between children can be perceived as bullying behaviors. Children have bad days, get jealous, feel left out and more, and may react to those feelings. Simply disliking someone is not an act of bullying, nor is excluding someone from a game if there are too many players. Arguments, disagreement and occasionally being teased are not uncommon exchanges amongst children. But when does a child’s behavior cross the line into bullying territory?

How do we teach our child to recognize and report bullying? 

As parents, we have a protective instinct to keep our children healthy, happy and safeguarded from the tough parts of life. However, it becomes increasingly difficult to protect our children as they enter the school age-years. Kids become vulnerable to adopting new behaviors or inappropriate language from their school peers. Innocently enough, many young children don’t know these actions and words are unacceptable.

It’s important to begin an ongoing conversation about bullying with your child at a young age. Start by asking your child these questions and working through the answers together.

What do you think is the difference between bullying and teasing? 

Bullying is being mean to another kid over and over again. Bullying can be emotional and physical. It often includes:

• repeated teasing, name-calling, intimidation, or sexual or racist remarks;
• talking about hurting someone;
• spreading rumors;
• leaving kids out on purpose; and
• attacking someone by hitting them or yelling at them.

Does bullying always happen in person?

Bullying does not always happen in person. Cyberbullying happens online or through text messages or emails. It can be anonymous. It includes posting rumors on social media, sharing embarrassing pictures or videos, and making fake profiles or websites.

Do you ever see other kids at your school being bullied? If so, how does it make you feel? What do you do about it?

There are many resources for teaching your children how to keep themselves and others safe from bullying. StopBullying.gov has cartoon videos for kids about important topics such as treating others with respect and what to do if you are bullied. A quick search at your public library website will reveal countless children’s books telling stories about bullies.

A staggering 46% of middle and high schoolers who were bullied at school in 2019-2020 said they notified a teacher or another adult about it (U.S. Department of Justice, Bureau of Justice Statistics, School Crime Supplement to the National Crime Victimization Survey, 2019). Kids don’t report bullying for a number of reasons: humiliation, fear of backlash, feelings of hopelessness or isolation. Teaching your child to not be a bystander to bullying is crucial.

What do you do when your child is the bully?

There is nothing more dreadful than an unsolicited phone call from the principal. No one wants to believe their child is a bully, but it happens and should be taken seriously. Take a deep breath, sit down with your child and tell them you love them no matter what. Then ask for their side of the story.

Bullies often adopt the behavior from their environment. Sometimes bullying is a reaction from being bullied by others as a way to regain their power. According to a 2015 study of children involved in bullying acts (ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4386584), children may bully to impress their peers or because they hold an inherent disdain for someone who is perceived as “different” than themselves.

The Glorification of Bullying in Media

“You can’t sit with us!”

Where do children learn bullying behaviors? One of the easiest places to start is the television. One can spend hours watching countless movies and TV about a protagonist dealing with a bully at school. Oftentimes, the bully is portrayed as less of a villain and more of an idealization of who the protagonist aspires to be. It’s high school hazing in “Dazed and Confused,” the hierarchical dynamic of the popular crowd in “Mean Girls” and an overwhelming desire to fit in in “Diary of a Wimpy Kid.” When a generation grows up watching bullies portrayed by some of the most enigmatic and beautiful characters, it’s no wonder some children want to emulate their behaviors.

Note: In July 2002, the Connecticut legislature passed a law, Connecticut General Statutes Section 10-222d (C.G.S. 10-222d), directing all public school districts to develop and implement a bullying policy. Every school and school district office must have a copy of this policy readily available.

Take Action for Parents:

• Stop Bullying: stopbullying.gov
• National Bullying Prevention Center: pacer.org/bullying/nbpm

Sources:

• “Bullying and the Abuse of Power” (ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC10112998)
• “Perspectives on Bullying Among Children Who Present to the Emergency Department With Behavioral Misconduct” (ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4386584)

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Caitlin Houston, a mother of three, is the blogger behind the Caitlin Houston Blog, an authentic life and style site established in 2008. She covers motherhood, mental health, New England living, style and family travel. She is also a co-host of Room 4 Four, a podcast with frank discussions about everything from parenting fails to maintaining identity as a wife and mother. Listen to Room 4 Four’s Episode 10 about bullying: room4four.com/ep10-addressing-true-bullying-with-our-kids.