Parenting in the Digital World: Fostering Confidence and Competence

Parenting in the Digital World: Fostering Confidence and Competence

Written and photographed by Aubrey Schmalle

​​Most parents have a simple goal for their children: to grow up happy, healthy and successful in life. The challenge is that all the research shows that children are experiencing greater struggles with emotional regulation, learning, social skills and developing independence than ever before. So how are the early experiences of Gen Z and Gen Alpha different from those of Gen X or even Gen Y? They didn’t have a screen free childhood. Because humans are multisensory beings who thrive on movement and human interaction, the shift to engaging more with devices than the physical world and people has had major developmental consequences. 

So, what should parents do? There are five key pillars around which parents can focus their energy to raise confident and competent children, ready to become the next generation of leaders and creators. None of them involve learning how to use AI. Children will figure that out. They are about setting up family habits and routines that foster the uniquely human skills that can’t be outsourced to artificial intelligence. 

Pillar #1

Save Yourself First

It’s easy to see the glaring impact of excessive screen time on children, but equally important to reflect on the role adult screen use plays. Parents are encouraged to notice how often they engage with their phone, tablet, computer or smart watch to send a text message, answer work emails, coordinate playdates, scroll social media, play a game, place an order, read a book, look up information, pay someone or listen to music. While these tasks have become commonplace in today’s digital world, children watch adult behaviors closely. Over time, the minutes pile up, stretching into years. Once parents start noticing their own habits, they can reflect on how to be more intentional about presence when it matters most. For a parent who realizes that putting down the phone is especially difficult, it may be valuable to explore low-tech alternatives. Checking email in the pick-up line? No big deal. But limiting multi-tasking on a phone during times like meal preparation can create meaningful opportunities for connection and family interactions. While every family’s situation is unique, there are always opportunities to show up intentionally and practice presence. When children see parents choosing them over devices, they are more likely to model those choices in their own lives.

Pillar #2

Connect and Collaborate 

The next step is showing up intentionally, even if it’s only 15-20 minutes a day, to play with children or engage in meaningful conversations away from technology. When space is created for face-to-face interactions, children learn social skills such as how to read body language and the value of eye contact. Social media has long been a space where people chase significance, even when it carries the risk of judgement and trolling. Now the digital generation is turning to chatbots for relationships instead of relationships with other people. Chatbots that feign real emotional intimacy are not where children will learn the social skills that allow them to build meaningful relationships with others or effectively collaborate in classrooms and on teams. Instead, involving children in household chores and playing together build the critical skills they need to connect and contribute to a community. In a world where artificial intelligence is trying to blur the lines between real life and the online world, parents must be intentional about creating as many micro opportunities as possible to build social skills, communication and emotional intelligence. 

Pillar #3

Move with a Purpose

After families begin practicing presence and collaborating with their children, the next step is being more intentional about how movement is built into daily life. Active or athletic families have a head start. But there is still room for growth. Research identifies three categories of movement that provide the greatest benefits for self-regulation, brain development and adaptability. First, rhythmic movement combined with breathing and/or pressure reduces stress hormones in the body that trigger cell death and shrink the limbic system, the part of the brain responsible for regulating emotions. Second, movement that increases heart rate and blood flow triggers the production of brain derived neurotropic factor (BDNF), promoting new connections in the brain. Once stress is reduced and brain growth is supported, the third type of movement sets the stage for building adaptability: goal-directed movement. Simple activities like keeping a balloon in the air as long as possible or as complicated as playing ice hockey foster the ability to move intentionally through the world. Every goal-directed game usually involves some degree of hand-eye coordination. Just adding a few small movements between homework assignments can make a difference if done consistently. Check out the Body Activated Learning Playlist @SensationalAchievements on Youtube to learn more.

Pillar #4

Learn and Grow Sensationally

One of the most glaring shifts affecting children growing up in a digital world is the decline in hands-on learning tools. Schools purchase online reading and math programs that they encourage families to use at home. Everyday objects have been replaced by modern conveniences such as Apple Wallet, Spotify and camera apps. Each replacement reduces the number of opportunities for multisensory experiences essential for building the complex connections in the brain needed for thinking, reasoning and problem-solving. Returning to paper and pencil to build written communication skills, regularly checking out books from the local library to improve encoding of new information in the brain, and carrying cash around so children can understand that money does not exist in endless supply with the tap of a phone are small but important steps parents can take. Sweden publicly announced their return to cellphone-free classrooms, paper and books after watching their test scores decline steadily with excessive technology use. Parents in America are encouraged to not only advocate for the same but intentionally facilitate sensory-rich learning opportunities daily for their children.

Pillar #5

Build Digital Awareness and Safety

Children are great lobbyists when they want a cellphone, especially when friends start to disappear into their screens leaving them feeling alone in the same room. Children convince themselves and their parents that not being on social media or in chat rooms leaves them out of important social conversations and disconnects them from their peers. When parents give their child a cellphone, it’s the part of the internet they don’t talk about that becomes the most dangerous. Privacy controls and legal safeguards are insufficient to protect a child from online bullying and child predators. Parents must make it their business to protect their children, not just through parental controls, but through frequent conversations about the good, the bad and the ugly of life online. This includes discussing privacy, red flags in people’s online behaviors and emotional readiness for online interactions without direct supervision. The most critical safeguard is making sure parents have built a foundation of trust and compassion using pillars one and two. If a child feels safe enough to reach out to a parent when something negative happens online, families can take action together. 

Final Thoughts

Letting industry and consumerism drive child development sets children up to be consumers and followers of algorithms, vulnerable to the darker side of the digital and online world. Raising confident, competent and empowered children requires awareness of the way that children experience the world and intention. When children experience the right combination of multisensory opportunities and face-to-face interactions often enough, they can develop the uniquely human skills necessary to become the leaders and creators of tomorrow. 

Aubrey Schmalle, OTR/L is a sensory integrative occupational therapist committed to empowering families and children to thrive in today’s fast-paced, digital world. She is the author of “Uniquely Human: Raising Leaders” and “Creators in an AI World.”